of all those who came before you, I loved you most… the deepest cavern within my soul sucked you in and filled itself with you, sealing you there to never be allowed to escape… only you did one day, escape…. how it happened, I do not know… one day you were there laughing beside me, telling me how much you cared,the next,you were gone… just gone… no balled up packing papers in the corner, no drawers left half hanging, no last kiss, no last handshake, no formality or casualness did we share, I just turned and you were gone… just gone, gone,gone…just so fucking gone that it took my breath and tears and strength away and I dropped into the corner of the room where that left packing paper should have been and just sat there for weeks… every now and then i did sleep I guess, only to be startled awake by your voice calling out to me to wake up, time to get up…. wju cant I just wake up and make it all a dream, wake up and answer you and tell you, yes! I am up now! I iwll be there in a sec for that lingering kiss, that promising breakfast of you and I sandwiched between white cotton sheets and soft, soft skin…I will find you in our dreams and I will be there, I promise I will be there… I will be there,there,there…. I will be there for you….

stay just a while

take a moment from your busy day
and stay just a while with me
tell me of your walk to work,
all the special things you saw…
did you smell the coffee from that
place on the corner of main and Winutke,
ooooh and the bagels there are so wonderful
when you left the armed with both, did you stop outside
for just  a moment and turn your face up to the sun
just to feel its warmth for a moment?
or did you rush out and down the street,
bumping the chair scooted too far back,
bruising you hip but not stopping to massage it.
Did you then sprint the last three blocks and
say hi to the doorman who always holds the door
for you, and give him a pittance tip?
Tell me please about how cool the lobby
of your workplace is, how it always smells
of faint chemicals mixed with the aroma
of fresh flowers brought every morning in
an attempt to brighten the stark black granite…
Tell me about your busy, busy day of paperwork
and corporate lunches and coffee breaks,
of the conversations you laugh at with all your friends,
fill me in on your drawings and your lists that you always make
the ones that once you write them, they go into the pile and
you never look at them again, but you never forget what is on them…
Tell me how relieved you are when you finally see the clock strike 5
and see the parade of bodies floating slowly outside your office.
Please remember theflowers and the freshness every day
when you exit a door into the world… Bring it home to me
and lay it on my grave with a cup of my favorite coffee
and a single bagel with sour cream and chives, just
the way I like it… Then sit beside me here for just a moment
and let me feel your life… Let me see the joy and sorrow
and hope and pain encased there… But that I could reach
from beyond this place I am and wipe away that tear,
smooth that brow, and take away your sorrow….

Storm before calm

lashing waves, angry and destructive
whipping past me, my footing slipping
as I steady myself for the next onslaught…
each stronger than the last, building crescendo,
maliciously ripping apart earths beauty
in their path to reach me, then lapping gently
at my toes, each growing and reaching further,
pushing me back, taunting me with their strength,
swirling round my legs, then up my thighs,
curling the sandy bottom, stirring it up into
a soup like sandy mess.  I stand,facing the horizon,
waiting for them to come, for the one to come
that will sweep me out and away from this life
that I have come to hate…  Take me now,
please, just take me now into your cold dead arms,
drag me deeper into that abyss that is saved for only
those who die a watter’y, soulless death… Come for me
not in anger, but in platitudinous offerings of peace…

annihilation

It blew up last night
scattering debris
for miles
I watched in horrified fascination
as the world disintegrated
before my eyes
I tried to focus
and not panic
to not scream insanely
at him to get out of its way…
but I was too late
it swept us both in its wake
off into that canyon
created by the loss…

while I dream

his dark mood climbs

into my heart again

dragging me back

weighing me down

as I try to breathe

he says the words over

and over, trailing

into space as I lose

my ability to focus

yet again in this journey

Threads 2

my soul exploded at cruel words said
banging doors, the fall of tears,
sinking me in the wake of your voyage
all those shattered parts of me floating
on the restless sea that is us… 
one call, three words and an I’m sorry…
and I am whole again
for another day…

a loose thread

you dangle those loose threads
of hope before me, sweet as
honey filled nectar to a bee…
I carefully approach and taste
the beauty once again of us
then watch as you retreat again…
only to return next day and there
is the barest trace of me on lips
calling faintly out for me to dance
one more time in filtered moonlight
held close in arms that want my love
and feel their strength, their longing,
as you wrap round me even if only
for this one night… and as we say
goodnight I pray my silent prayer
“Please God, let me feel him love me
one more time tomorrow…” and I let
you go again into your world as
I press the button that disconnects
me from our world one more time…

stolen

each breath aches
as it escapes my body
each step so painful
as I walk away from you
a million knives cutting
through every fiber
of my being as you
grow smaller with distance
placed between us…
I hear you as you breathed in my ear,
I feel your kiss
so ravaging
on my mouth and skin,
I feel your hands claiming me,
exploring me,
finding my heart’s love
only to rip it from my body,
and hold it in your hand
feeling the still beating
staccato beats, before
flinging it, as you laughed,
into some distant sea
leaving me with only
a gaping wound where
you once were such
a vital part…

thoughts trickle…

thoughts trickling through

as I battle them to keep them out

memories of another time

laughter tinkling

a time of exploding life

feeling every drop of blood

flooding through every vein

in every limb of our bodies

trails

beginnings begin
always at the most wonderful
starting point of whatever it is
you are starting
then wind and trail their way
towards that ending that was the
destination when you began
fate has sealed your choices
that lead you from there to here
and all points in between you
and me and the ending…